David’s Guest Book Towns of Two Halves: A Tourist Guide to Football Towns is a great read, acting half as a nostalgic look at football and half as a guide to the country’s best museums, art galleries and boardwalks.

Introducing the 92 clubs in the Football League, Guest gives a personalized account of what it’s like to spend a day in cities and their stadiums. As he notes in the introduction: “This is a football book only in the sense that time spent watching football can easily feel like wasted time.”

Here is our pick of the best lines from the book on each of the 20 Premier League clubs:

Arsenal

The author admits to having a fondness for Arsenal, although mainly because of the novelty of being able to walk to Highbury from his old home. Guest’s beloved Oldhams, which feature prominently in the book, are obviously more interesting.

“Most memorable, Oldham played there four times – three times in the League and once in the League Cup – while I was an Islington People’s Republic taxpayer.”

READ: What Makes A Club: 21 Photos That Explain The Essence Of Arsenal

Bornemouth

The author gives a warm description of the city, a recommended coastal route to the stadium, and reflects on why the stadium is called Dean Court.

“When I was there, a dog show was held in the park. It seemed to draw far more than Bournemouth against Oldham. “

Brighton

The majority of this chapter covers the adventures of the author’s wife in the city. Having accidentally taken her debit card into the stadium, Guest had left “S” penniless as she walked the streets of Brighton.

“When I found her at the hotel, she had been there most of the afternoon. She had tried window shopping, she said, but Brighton had taunted her by constantly presenting her with treasures she couldn’t buy … Quick to anger, S got too easily appeased.

Burnley

The vast majority of this section deals with the insane heckling of the terraces and the loudmouth that punctuate the silences on the football fields with an insane quip.

After hearing someone shout, “They’re like black guys, you have to get them out!” The guest delves into the history of the unwanted heckler, dating back to classical Greece.

“At overseas sporting events, spectators release animals or other objects onto the playing field for a comedic effect… In the UK we largely limit ourselves to unsolicited comments.”

READ: What Makes A Club: 21 Photos To Show What It Is To Be A Burnley Fan

Cardiff City

This section primarily includes a restaurant review, but not before a lengthy explanation of why Guest has so far ignored food in his guide. The best passage is a lyrical description of a club mascot.

“Walking through family groups was an unusual mascot in a spherical blue costume with claws; it looked like it might represent the flu bacteria sweeping the country. “

Chelsea

One of the few chapters without any reference to football, Guest spends several pages here discussing Silicon Valley and the impact of technology on modern culture, using an exhibit at the Design Museum in Chelsea as a springboard.

Driverless cars, California mining, robotic takeover of human jobs, the internet of things and virtual reality are all analyzed.

“I looked at the fountain and wondered what she was doing here, in the absence of children; then a group of schoolchildren (early to mid-teens) arrived and the question became moot.

READ: What Makes A Club: 21 photos to show the soul and history of Chelsea FC

Crystal Palace

The majority of this section includes a bulleted list of interesting blue plaques that can be found in the blue plaques section of the Horniman Museum. The best passage comes early when guests laugh at the hysterics of the Crystal Palace area:

“The stores, I imagine, sell exotic snacks and a thousand varieties of juices, all green.”

Everton

Guest pleasantly juxtaposes the boredom of an FA Cup match between Everton and Tamworth with the rich dynamism of Liverpool, detailing at length its mystical and majestic history.

He also dismisses “FA Cup romance” as a misplaced idea, saying Casanova did not “woo the failing signorinas by taking them to the early laps of Coppa Italia”.

“Can Everton vs. Tamworth, or whatever team it is on the outside, can be a better show than watching this world go by?” Persevere. With that kind of thinking, you would never go to a football game. “

READ: What Makes A Club: 21 Photos To Summarize Everton’s Match Day Experience

Fulham

It’s mostly about watching George Best at Craven Cottage, which is correctly identified as the most beautiful stadium in the country, with a setting to “make a real estate agent’s mouth water.”

“Another 5-0 loss, then, and another easy-to-find case of consolation. Besides the Craven Cottage vibe and the presence of George Best, I also fixed my car’s heater.

Town of Huddersfield

This section talks about the city and its excellent art galleries and museums, with the author freely admitting a prejudice towards Huddersfield before visiting it. Again, football is hardly mentioned here.

“On the day of my visit there was a special event on ‘Muslim Roots in the British Army’, organized by young people from the Huddersfield Pakistani Community Alliance.

“On such a day, the Tolson Half Pig, a sort of exploded view of a pig, could have been quietly stowed away in a cupboard: but it was there.”

Leicester City

A chapter that praises the rich Roman history and the city’s progress in the 20th century is undermined by the author’s disappointment at his reaction to the Premier League victory in 2016. For Guest, and maybe to be for no one else on the planet, it took something from the city.

“When 15 minutes of fame is achieved, centuries of modest achievement can be ignored. Leicester, you might say, is a gauge in the sump of celebrity culture. “

Liverpool

The guest dresses up as a Watford fan for the day in order to sneak into a Liverpool game against Oldham at Anfield, but while searching for a ticket he still finds time to see Kevin Keegan’s boots at a nearby museum.

“If JK Rowling is to be congratulated for convincing a generation to read books, perhaps Liverpool FC can take credit for encouraging young people to visit museums.”

Manchester city

Details given to parts of a city unrelated to football seem to lengthen as the book progresses. Here, the most interesting claim is that the Football Museum devotes ample time to the achievements of “little lights”.

“The museum has only one serious flaw: how can the café adjoining such a place not offer Pukka Pies?

Manchester United

Approaching the “theater of dreams” naturally invites a conversation about the nature of dreaming in football, nightmares, magic and belief systems. It is a beautifully written chapter.

“Events on the ground can truly have a religious dimension. Sympathetic magic is evoked. Pogba’s baffling defenders are a picture of a rock painting and it stays in the mind.

READ: What Makes A Club: 21 photos to sum up the Man Utd game day experience

Newcastle United

This chapter reflects on the march of Newcastle before discussing again at length the unique museums and art galleries of the region.

A match at St James Park, against Luton, is only discussed in reference to a giant flag passing above the crowd in which Guest was seated.

“Somehow it got tangled with my glasses. For a moment, I thought I was going to lose them… Next time I will know better: don’t get involved.

Southampton

The pages on Southampton are almost exclusively about an old 1991 city guide book, titled A Guided Tour Around Southampton’s Old Walled Town. The guest still seems annoyed by his incompetence.

“The design of this booklet, or rather its total absence, raises the possibility that the [tourist board] provided guides work experience and someone missed their badge with.

Tottenham Hotspur

An unusually heavy chapter of football centers on the troubling 3-0 scoreline within eight minutes of Oldham’s visit to White Hart Lane in 1992. The author is very relieved to see the match fail to end. than 5-0.

“It was almost a privilege to receive a sonic beating from Tottenham.”

READ: What Makes A Club: 21 photos to sum up Spurs’ game day at The Lane

Watford

The author remembers visiting Vicarage Road on April 7, 1969, when Watford won a promotion that was once more famous for launching an American college project that laid the foundation for the Internet – which becomes the subject of this chapter.

“Watford represents to me the passage of time without remorse.”

Western ham

Detailing a game in which Guest and his partner “D” left at half-time due to the claustrophobic atmosphere, football is also not mentioned in this chapter. A review of the Geffrye Museum follows.

“The man at the turnstile may have had a drink as well. In an admittedly indifferent light, he mistook D, who was not tall, for a little boy and said: “You just jumped over the turnstile, my son, everything will be fine. “

wolves

The guest complains that he didn’t visit Wolverhampton Art Gallery – for coffee, as his own lunch that day was disappointing. The presentation in this chapter focuses on the Collegiate Church of Saint-Pierre, a “quite pleasant surprise”.

“Molineux may have seen better teams and better days, but he has history, strength and quite possibly restricted views. “

By Alex Keble

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